What My Best Friend Has Taught Me About Love
Dedicated to those who hold us
I think about love a lot. For as long as I can remember it has been what consumes me; my friendships fulfil me, romance inspires me, it lights me up, and family challenges and supports me- some people dedicate themselves to a career, I seem to have dedicated myself to love. I marvel at what love in its different forms can represent for us, how uniquely it unravels for each individual, and how even in that we can find common threads; how love makes us feel less alone and connects us in a way not much else can. Lately I have been thinking about the intersection between romantic and platonic love, and how the love demonstrated through our friendships influences our romantic expectations- and if not a setting of expectation, surely a guide. Nothing fascinates me more than learning how others experience love and its many facets, so I asked my closest friends (and a few hundred others on the internet), ‘what has your best friend taught you about love?’
Collectively we know that our earliest relationships- especially those we are exposed to at a higher frequency, shape how we navigate our romantic lives. You need only attend one therapy session to have experienced the unpacking of your childhood and how your relationship with your mother/ father figure either set you up or fucked you up for your future relationships- I say this entirely tongue in cheek, please know that I do not believe that we are chained to our childhood and how it influenced us as inescapable shackles that will dictate our relationships forever, this is a gross and negligent way many escape holding themselves accountable to changing and growing, or let themselves get stuck in certain patterns and narratives. Just because an occurrence can explain or indicate why another may have occurred, does not mean it should remain the relevant and ongoing story.
I digress.
So we know that our early relationships display love to us; and outside of our parents, what is more fundamental than our friendships? Outside of our immediate family, our friendships are the first independent relationship we experience, our first chosen relationships- they preceed boyfriends, girlfriends and sexual intimacy. Moreover, these relationships often span years if not lifetimes; they evolve with us, they often contract and expand in relative closeness and see every version of us- unlike other romantic partners which tend to be more transient and transactional, until we find ‘the one.’ Our friendships and their abity to withstand are pertinent in developing our character.
When I think of my friends and love I think of uncontrollable, side splitting laughter on my dusty loungeroom floor; I think of disagreements that will inevitably end up in a rib crushing hug or a smile and a sarcastic ‘I hate you,’; I think of being told to pull my head in or chin up; I think of being scolded and reminded of my worth; I think of phone calls that last four hours and texts that say ‘I am never too busy for you’; I think of shouts and wolf whistles in response to a new outfit or hairstyle; I think of blurry nights spent in each others’ arms; I think of shared tears, and I think of safety. I think of them as my biggest fans. When I think of friends, I think of unconditional love.
Before I get to my own lessons in love, here is what my nearest, dearest and a few kind anonymous strangers had to say:
Will - Professional Noise Maker
Will and I go way back, having bonded many years prior over the hopelessness of bar work, efficient restocks, piles of words that often don’t make sense and a shared lack of quality sleep.
When I asked this question, his answer came quickly and reliably, and as always, in the most poetic way. “[My friend taught me] that it’s messy and that’s ok. That love and intimacy exist as a watercolour. Each hue bleeding into another, not the hard line of black next to white.”
It sums up perhaps the hardest lesson to learn in love- that despite what we have been taught from a young age, love is not a fairytale; it is as real and raw as us and that perhaps that is where the beauty lies. Accepting this side of love allows a more detailed picture to be painted, and that real intimacy is the holding of both the light and the dark, not running away from the mess but rather turning in.
Anonymous
One follower, remaining entirely anonymous shares that they have been taught that love is not always in the loud and sexy moments. “... love is way better when it soothes and regulates you. It took a long time for me to stop chasing constant excitement and new or fresher things. Sometimes a love that shares the simplest moments was actually the thing I was missing.”
This rhetoric feels particularly pertinent in our current dating society where love is constantly on display for comparison, and singles face the Paradox of Choice (wherein too many options lead to anxiety, avoidance and shutdown). So many of us are fed the belief that love should always feel big and come with grand displays; however, I tend to agree with this follower, love is in the quiet moments, real love begins when you find the person you can share the small moments with, not just the flashy dates and hot, wild sex (not to say we can’t have that too).
Adding to this, we have casual and low effort access to so many options now through dating apps and exposure to sexualised images via photo/ video platforms like Instagram and Snapchat that it is no wonder none of us know how to recognise when we have something good right in front of us, something worth slowing down for. For many, there is the constant temptation to search for something even better, a little bit shinier, a little bit prettier- to wonder if there is something more out there. We have been trained now to move on at the slightest hint of discomfort- and hell, even comfort, because we confuse it for boredom. We are so ready to give up at the drop of a hat, so easily distracted. But maybe, when we lean into the comfortable and safe option, we can find a deeper connection rather than superficial.
Anonymous
Another anonymous writer confirms the message that sometimes in love we must look beyond the good times, keeping it short and sweet with what their best friend has taught them about love, they simply say, “forgiveness.” Something that for many of us, is easier said than done.
Anonymous
This submission is something I speak about with my friends a lot, and it comes from a close friend of mine who wishes to remain out of the spotlight.
“My friendships have taught me that you do owe your loved ones something,” my phone is cradled between my ear and shoulder as I continue to scrub my bathtub, “yes!” I agree, already glad that I called this friend.
She continues:
“For years I believed in the protect your peace bullshit, until one day I realised we were all lonely, and that the longer we went on always considering ourselves first the further we would push people away. I didn’t want to turn around one day and realise I had no one.”
“Love is at times about compromise; when you love someone you know that there are days when you need to put them first, they deserve that much. I learnt that when I do put in the effort, even on the occasions I don’t feel like it, I end up getting more out of [the relationship]. When you put effort into the people you love, they blossom into a better version of themselves, and you grow closer; the more you push them to the side, the more the friendship will crumble, and of course then you don’t want to try- its a toxic cycle.”
“And it’s the same with your partner right? The more effort you put in with them, the better partner they become because they feel valued and safe. It’s better for you and them.”
“So love is effort?” I prompt.
“Yeah it is, but you can decide whether that effort needs to be a chore or whether it is fun, light hearted and genuine. I think we have taken this whole only putting effort into the things that will get us money, or status, or surface level pleasure too far. By only focusing on what we think we want, and living a life just for us, we forget that there is a whole other world of experiences and incredible people out there, and they deserve our time and dedication too- and if you are still selfishly minded, consider that you will get something out of it because the person you put effort in with will become a better friend, lover, partner and you will reap the reward.”
Enough said my friend.
Jade - fearless leader + lover of all things soft and slow
I first met Jade four years ago, she was one of the managers at a yoga studio we used to work at. She was the kind of manager that you only hear about and never truly experience; that is to say she was patient, empathetic and unwavering in her commitment to her team. Four years on and I am lucky to say Jade is one of my dearest friends; she is the kind of friend that inspires articles like this- steadfast in her sense of self, generous with her love and one of the most patient and gentle souls you will meet. So it was no surprise to me that her answer came delivered quietly just before 8:30am in an eight minute long voice message.
Snuggled up in bed Jade tells me that, “[friendships have] taught me that you can feel completely safe and at home in a non-romantic relationship but also that there is a romanticism about beautiful friendships and best friendships.”
The sheets rustling around her, she continues after a sleepy sigh, “these best friendships, they teach you how to love yourself more fully. When you're loved so unconditionally by somebody who's not bound to you [by marriage, status or blood], when its a choice, it gives you a different form of love because you see how someone can love you in all of your different flavours and colours and I think that that's what best friendships have taught me…You can just fall apart, and when you find friends that are really there for you… they'll hold you in all of that and there is never a judgement and there is never any doubt.”
“I am challenged by best friends,” Jade continues, adding an important point on how love will call us to show up for ourselves and others, it will ask us to grow, “[I prefer] a loving and gentle way… some people prefer to be challenged in a [firmer] way, but… that [challenge] really gives you a space for growth and awareness.”
This line reminded me of what Will said, in how love can be messy, and how even in the mess and the challenge and the growth that it is still okay- even when the love isn’t sunshine and rainbows it is still love- love asks something of you and that is a good thing.
Lastly Jade adds, before asking me when we can catch up, that “it’s taught me that in [partnered] romantic love, that I can expect to feel seen and heard to that level, and I don't need to settle for anything less. If I have multiple best friendships that offer that support it shows me that it's possible and that I am worthy of it, and that I'm worthy of it in a romantic love as well.”
She can’t see me but I am nodding along enthusiastically, “I guess it just sets a nice high bar that's almost impossible to jump for… but worth waiting for.”
This final point Jade makes ties up the lessons we learn from our best friends’ love perfectly; the love our best friends’ give us sets the standard of what we deserve in romantic love. It shows us that an unconditional love that can withstand the storm, love you in all your forms, challenge you and catch you when you fall does in fact exist. So why settle for anything less?
So, what have my friends taught me about love?
When my world comes crumbling down- or lets be honest, a minor inconvenience occurs, I know that I can call upon my friends and will always be met with support- and no matter how tough to swallow, advice that comes from deep rooted love.
Writing this, I recall one evening in particular that demonstrates the unwavering backbone that is a best friend’s love: an event that inspired this particular line of question.
Late one evening I was alone in my lounge-room, I was frightened and unsure- what had happened exactly is a story for another time. I could have spiralled alone, just me and my thoughts sat in a barely contained state of vibration on my grubby white couch, or, I could call someone. For 45 minutes I alternated between crying into my pyjama clad knees, hugged tightly to my heaving chest, trying to pretend like everything was okay, and pacing the cold tiles in my kitchen- it was 9:30pm on a Friday, not exactly the time to deliver bad news, but god, I couldn’t do it alone. And so with a body full of guilt I hit call on my best-friend’s contact, half hoping she wouldn’t answer so I didn’t have to burden someone with my pain. She answered on the first ring.
In the background I could hear music and laughter, “hold on,” she says, “I’m here, I’m just going somewhere quiet.” I hear a door click shut and then, “what’s happened, tell me everything.”
For 90 minutes she sat with me, listening patiently as I explained, barely comprehensible through my sobs. Not once did she attempt to leave, even when I insisted she go back to her party, no, from nine hours away on the other side of the country, she stayed with me so I did not have to grieve alone. When we finally hung up on my promise that I would be okay, she text me, I will message you every hour to check in. What shocked me most was that for not a single moment did she hesitate to be beside me- although, I shouldn’t be, she has stood beside me unwavering for 22 years.
I hope every person reading this has a person like this in their life.
And it’s not just her, I am so lucky to have a diverse group of friends that weave a tapestry of different loves and show me just how multifaceted love can be, how differently it can show up person to person.
I have my friends who will sit with me in a bar, hold my hands and look me dead in the eye and tell me I am being a fool. They are cutthroat and never bother with the fluff. Their honesty teaches me trust, they challenge me to grow and they remind me of my worth. I have friends who through their actions of loving me and each other shows me that a tender and patient love is possible. And I have my friends who no matter the hour, no matter how far away they are, will always answer my call or drive 90 minutes to be by my side; these friends show me that nothing is too big of an ask.
So, what have our best friends taught us about love?
They have taught us that it is possible to be loved unconditionally, without judgement and free of reservation. They have taught us that even when we are messy, when we are uninspired, when we have lost all control that we are still loveable. They have taught us that it is possible that someone can see everything and still choose to stay. They have taught us that with the right person, nothing is too big of an ask, nothing is too much or too hard. And they have taught us that love will always be there for you, no matter the hour- love is there even when it is inconvenient. They have taught us that love is never too busy. They have taught us to show up for love, to put in the work because it is worth it. They have taught us to be patient and to practice forgiveness. To lean into the quiet, the slow and at times the discomfort. And most importantly, they have taught us that love is real.
May we always have these friends to teach us. To hold us to the standard we deserve. May we always, always, know love.
And to our friends who love us exactly as we are, thank you.
Thank you for reading. I write because my heart cannot contain all that it holds, and not because I expect an outcome; however, if my words resonated with you and you feel like sharing the love, consider using the buy me a coffee button below to support my work- it all counts, and is greatly appreciated. If you feel called to sharing my work, I would love to see it, so please tag me on Instagram find me here