Why I Don't Believe In 'Right Person, Wrong Time'

and why loving someone is never a waste

"They were the right person, it was just the wrong time."

How many times have you heard this exact phrase when analysing a breakup with your friends- even used it yourself to soothe the pain, to make sense of it, clutched to it like a lifejacket afloat on the hope that maybe, just maybe you will be together again. It’s a semi-colon to a relationship ending; a nice neat bow that can be unwrapped and revisited when desired. And it is tragic yes, perhaps the worst breakups are the ones where there is still so much love shared- when it feels like the are the right person, it is just the wrong time- but the wrong time for what, I ask. When we lean so heavily on this excuse or explanation of why it didn’t 'work,' we rob ourselves of appreciating what we had, and why we were supposed to have it at this time.

Now please don't get me wrong, I do not always believe that the all powerful ‘Universe’ has a grander plan, that we are always being offered lessons- I tiptoe the line of pessimism more than I care to admit; sometimes things happen, and they are. just. shit. But I do think we need to look deeper than it simply 'wasn't the right time.' Perhaps we ought to start asking ourselves; what makes it the wrong time? What would make it the right time? Is it a difference in what you want from each other? Is it the assurance of longevity that would make it right?

Maybe I am just a hopeless romantic wearing her rose coloured glasses- or hell, returning to perhaps my worst habit of over-intellectualising feelings to make it easier to cope, but I think that this is where we can begin. Where we can stop slapping on the bandaid of right person, wrong time, and maybe, just maybe let the pain allow us to grow and evolve into something more beautiful.

Let’s begin with a story- and yes, like all good writers, it is a story about me. I promise to keep it to the abridged version.

I broke up with someone that I loved- and still love very very deeply, under the premise of right person, wrong time. This experience is where I first began to question this sentiment. Because I agree- sort of. He was the right person- perhaps still is and will always be, but despite our relationship needing to end in that moment, I think it was exactly the right time too.

Allow me to explain myself.

If we hadn't met and fallen in love when we did, neither of us would be the people we are today; we would never have experienced one another- had the opportunity to learn a whole other human being inside out, outside in. Would never have learnt what we wanted. Despite the hurt that came with realising we could no longer give the other what they deserved, we had a truly beautiful relationship. We were so lucky; there was never any hate, no one cheated, we rarely argued (never on the big things anyway), we seemed to just get each other- nothing happened to break us, we just reached the end of our current chapter. Even with the pain, we needed to be together in that exact moment in time. Without it, he would not have learnt what he did about himself and I would never have known love the way I did with him. It was a relationship I am thankful for, one I would revisit in a heartbeat should there be another 'right' time; a human I will forever look upon with love and respect. I wouldn't trade the time we shared together for the world.

You see, when we tell ourselves it was the wrong time, by focusing so closely on the 'end,' or the 'outcome,' we completely discredit the journey- the love that was shared, the opportunity for personal growth that comes with the ending of a relationship, the evolution you had as people doing life together and what will come from this pain. And most importantly, what came from, and will come from the love you experienced.

So I ask you- those that have been in a right person, wrong time relationship; if the timing was as wrong as you say it was, would you take it all back? Would you take back every moment shared, if you knew that it would lead to this moment. If you knew it would end, would you never let it begin?

Loving someone is never a waste of time.

You see, our partners act as a mirror, reflecting parts of ourselves that we would not see otherwise- or if we did, it would be a much slower process. The intimacy in which a partner knows, and gets to see you, magnifies so many hopes, fears, vulnerabilities, wounds and desires, that without the acceleration of such close proximity, we may never discover. Whether we end up with our partner for life, or a matter of months, the experience we gain from the connection is unlike any other- and if we do indeed end up back together in the 'right' time, it is very likely we needed that first experience.

Now, not only does this sentiment of right person, wrong time discredit the learnings of the relationship, it also hurts. Why, you may ask, does it hurt?

Well, it gives you hope, and hope is a double edged sword. Hope is a feeling that during a breakup you so desperately seek, a light at the end of the tunnel that will make all the pain worth it. But the problem with this type of hope is that when you are the one being left, it delays the process, it makes you wait. Please do not think I am on a moral or intellectual high-horse here, I still hold out hope for second chances- I am a hopeless romantic at heart and most definitely not above the waiting mentality. So if you too, have held onto the hope of a second chance because your relationship did not end in flames, I get it; it is so hard to let someone go when you still love them- when you know that a part of them still loves you too. When there is still so much love, how do you let go? Part of you will wish they cheated, hurt you- anything to make you angry, because anger is so much easier to lean on as a crutch than any amount of tenderness, fondness or respect.

How is anyone ever supposed to move on, if they are clinging to the idea that they will one day be the perfect combination of right person and right time.

If someone has walked away from you, but left telling you that you are the right person just in the wrong time, it alludes to the hope that there is a right time- a second chance; so of course there will be a part of you that wants to wait for them to go become the version of themselves that will be willing to try again. Just because we are no longer with someone, does not mean the love evaporates- and this sense of hope, it creates a container for us to place our still beating hearts in, to fill with this residual love that now has nowhere else to go.

So now we have answered the question of why it was the right time- we know we gain so much, even when it hurts, but what exactly makes it the 'wrong' time?

This will be too nuanced to unravel all the reasons- but generally speaking, it is some iteration of a misalignment of needs. The characteristics of the person- their looks, their music taste, hobbies, food preferences, personality, the are all the perfect combination of what you seek. This is what makes them the right person; but the wrong time? It is likely that some vital part of what creates a cohesive relationship is missing in one or both parties- maybe they, or you, are avoidant; someone wants more than what the other has capacity to give currently (notice I said capacity, and not desire- more often than not, the other wants to give it, they just do not have the resources); different stages of life; a work opportunity has drawn someone interstate and long distance is off the cards; trauma; family that gets in the way- the list goes on. The reasons that pull a perfectly good couple apart 'early' are endless, but we cannot force it just because they could be the one.

Now the next saying I will throw into the mix is overdone, and in my opinion excuses people from actually trying, but: if it is meant to be it will be, there will be no other way; however, it likely needs room to breathe right now. Often we need to close a chapter before we start another one. Sadly, we cannot always learn what we need to, to grow in the way we are required, when we are beside the person that we want to do exactly that for, because we will keep fumbling under the pressure of wanting to get it right. To learn the big stuff, we need to have the space, and the grace to make mistakes; to get back up and try again without hurting the ones we love in the process.

So perhaps they will be in the next chapter, or maybe they will not- maybe their character does not return until closer to the end of the book. Maybe it's not that it was the wrong time, maybe it was just the first time- and more than likely, this first draft was exactly what it needed to be, whether it is ever published or not.

And if you are reading this fresh from a right person, wrong time breakup- the (completely unsolicited) advice I will give you is:

1. No matter how much you love them, no matter how much you believe you will try again- you cannot wait for them right now. Give yourself at least a few weeks to be by yourself; I know it’s scary, but it will give you both the space you need to gain clarity. If they are supposed to come back, they will- or one day, when you are ready, you will reach out and try again. If both parties want it, they will work to make it happen. If you truly cannot let each other go, you will search for each other. But for now, focus on you.

2. Let yourself remember the love- if you broke up under the pretence of right person, wrong time chances are you both still love each other very much. It is so tempting to try and conjure anger, blame, or reason to resent them- but that would be too easy and rob you of the full depth of this experience. When the tears have stopped- or even when they are still flowing, let yourself be thankful for the love you shared. Many will go their whole lives never having the chance to have found someone, consider yourself lucky you have loved deeply enough to hurt. Do not let this pain harden you.

3. Let yourself learn- if you are the one that could not commit, why could you not give your partner what they deserved? And if you wanted to, how can you one day do that in the future? What do you need to look at within yourself. If you are the one left high and dry, what did this love teach you about yourself? Go learn what made it work and what made it not. What do you need? The only reason all of this love, all of this hurt would be a waste is if you did not action the learnings. To quote Rumi, "The wound is the place where the light enters you." Sometimes we have to break open to let the light in, to let the love in.

And finally,

4. You are enough.

Read that again.

Whether you are the one who could not give, or the one who did not get to receive; you are enough, and it is okay that it did not work out the way you had planned. It is no one’s fault. Forgive yourself, and when you are ready, forgive them- after all, we are all just doing our best with what we have.

So go on and give yourself permission to be human; go easy on yourself. Maybe one day you will try again, maybe you won’t. But at the end of the day, trust that no matter the outcome- it likely was the exact right time.

Thank you for reading. I write because my heart cannot contain all that it holds, and not because I expect an outcome; however, if my words resonated with you and you feel like sharing the love, consider using the donate button below to support my work- it all counts, and is greatly appreciated. If you feel called to sharing my work, I would love to see it, so please tag me on Instagram (I sporadically delete the app most weeks, so if I do not respond immediately, please do not take offence) @______courtney

All my love x