why we need to be needy

is protecting our peace really just protecting our loneliness?

I am so tired of seeing people shrinking themselves down so that they are easier to love. We have become too self-aware and too independent for our own good; our self-sufficiency has become a point of pride, and one of deep detriment. We live in a world that tells us not to need our partners- to not need our friends, to be solely our own person. We have been told that if we cannot love ourselves first that we have no right in loving another, especially not a romantic partner- and that we are somewhat at fault and dangerous if we are not ‘fully healed’ and enter into a relationship.

God what utter b.s.

Human connection and relationships- this give and take, push and pull, is what has kept us (humans) alive for hundreds of thousands of years, and what helps us to learn and grow; our partners identify parts of ourselves we would never see otherwise. It certainly wasn’t our sense of independence that kept humanity alive and evolving. The lone ranger who wandered too long and too far from the group would not live to tell the tale- there would be no children, grandchildren to carry on his legacy, to say “ah he was so independent, dear old dad never needed anyone," if he never shared his thoughts and discoveries with those around him.

Our sense of independence has become a crisis of loneliness and avoidance. To those who believe it is too hard to love another, that they only have time for themselves, I ask you this: is focusing so heavily on yourself, hustling and healing, just glorified isolation?

And on effort- why, especially as women are we so proud to label ourselves as low maintenance? And men, as independent, impartial and without emotion? Thank god for liberation, and realising we are whole as individuals, that we each have beautiful, unique interests and standalone thoughts, but christ, have we taken it too far when we are ashamed to need someone? To yearn, desire and lean on? It takes effort to love those in your life- partners and friends alike, yes, even those who deserve your love, those who you naturally gel with. Because we are all unique in our needs, you will never be able to just 'keep' someone if you never try- someone's want for your effort, is not a burden, it is natural. After all, the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference, apathy.

In an intimate relationship, when we 'mate', or for a more modern term, have sex consistently with someone, our body comes to learn this person as a safe base, this person becomes a home. Both emotionally and physiologically- being around our chosen mate lowers our heart rate, calms our breathing and regulates hormone release. This idea that we must take sole responsibility for our own well-being directly clashes with what our bodies crave. Our fear of co-dependency, and the villainising of this concept goes against our very nature. We are physiologically wired to feel better and need others. AND THAT IS OKAY.

I hate to say it, but being low maintenance, burying your needs, is not how you are going to get someone to love you- there is only so long you can suppress who you really are and what you really want, it simply is not sustainable to set foundations upon a lie- whether with your new lover or your best friend of 20 years. Accepting your desires, needs, wants, hopes and dreams, and communicating them and how this person can fit in- how you would like them to fit in and contribute, is sure as hell a good place to start.

You are wired to be needy, to want your partner around you is normal, to want your friends to say 'yes', to invite you out, is not asking for too much. In fact, they do owe you something and you are allowed to take up some space. So I invite you to consider, with our knowledge of humans inherently needing other humans; is protecting our peace really just protecting our loneliness?